It has been nothing but a ‘thinking’ week for me. Not that I don’t ALWAYS think, but there are times when that’s ALL I do. I get that “Monkey Mind” thing going on that CM talked about on her blog.

That’s what this week has been like. (I’m thinking of offering a reward to the one that captures the monkey and puts it out of my misery)

So many thoughts have swirled around in my mind that it has just about made me insane…not that I have very far to go . I really wish there were a switch to turn it off sometimes. I’d hook up one of those ‘clapper’ contraptions to my brain and look like a one-woman band with all the clapping I’d be doing.

 

I was sitting on the tailgate of the truck last night with my beer and cigarettes just looking around the yard, staring into the woods, watching the dogs…whatever happened to catch my eye.

Everyone else was in the house so I took this time to enjoy to peace and quiet (which doesn’t happen very often around my house).

With the quiet, came the thoughts.

There were so many thoughts screaming through my mind last night. They skipped around from planting stuff in my yard, being on the river, graduation coming up, my brother’s party tomorrow night, a dream I had earlier in the week that won’t leave, doctor’s appointments coming up….you name it, I think I thought it last night.

I do remember having one thought that really bugged me and I have no idea why it even popped into my mind. I remember thinking that I don’t want to be a mother anymore. I know that sounds harsh but that's the way the thought popped into my mind. I’m not real sure how to explain what I mean by that statement. It’s not that I don’t love my kids, I do, very much and I’m not tired of them. It’s more or less the responsibility of being a mother that I don’t want anymore. Don’t get me wrong. I would NEVER ditch my kids or not do things for them and with them.

It’s frustration. It’s the feeling of hands being tied. It’s the decisions that have to be made and not knowing if you’re making the right one or if you’re fucking up the next 10 years of someone’s life. It’s the hurt you want to take away from your kids but you can’t. It’s the not having all the answers when they ask the questions. It’s wanting to do everything you possibly can for them but knowing that you can’t. It’s the feeling of failure sometimes. It’s the worrying about them when they aren’t home. It’s the anger when they screw up one too many times when they know they shouldn’t. It’s the heartbreak when they leave your house and go out on their own (and I haven’t even hit this one yet..but I know it’s coming). It’s the tears you cry behind closed doors so they won’t see how hurt you are. It’s a zillion things.

I don’t remember signing on the dotted line for all these things that happen as a parent. No one told me these things or if they did I wasn’t listening. No one told me that I was signing up for a lifetime membership. No one told me I couldn’t abandon ship if the waters got rough. No one told me that many, many sleepless nights would be in my future. No one told me that ‘worry’ would become my new first, middle and last name.

Also, no one told me how huge a heart could grow when your kids make you proud. No one told me how much love you could have in your heart for another human being. No one told me that heart is what makes you keep doing the best that you can. No one told me that the words ‘give up’ don’t exist when it comes to your kids. No one told me that I’d be willing to lay down my life for three more.

So many things that I didn’t sign up for and yet so many things that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. Even when I feel like I want to turn in my ‘mother badge’ I know I can’t and I wouldn’t. Being a mother is the hardest job I’ve ever had and the hardest one I will EVER have. It’s a lifetime job and one that you never quite learn everything about.

 

You Would Be a Pet Bird

You're intelligent and witty, yet surprisingly low maintenance. You charm people easily, and they usually love you a lot more than you love them. You resent anyone who tries to own or control you. You refuse to be fenced in. Why you would make a great pet: You're very smart and entertaining Why you would make a bad pet: You're not interested in being anyone's pet! What you would love about being a bird: Flying, obviously What you would hate about being a bird: Being caged

I came across this picture the other day while looking for something over the net.

It seemed so peaceful to me and brought back some memories of childhood.

 

One memory in particular was when I was in the 3rd grade.

A bunch of neighborhood kids and I were playing in the backyard of the boy that lived across the street from me. There was a huge tree with a tire swing hanging from it that everyone would take turns swinging on.

Kids being kids, we would see how high we could get the tire, how many people we could swing on it at one time and then we got the bright idea of putting something in the tire’s path so that you had to straddle to get over as it swung.

This ‘something’ that we put in the path was a 55 gallon metal barrel laid over on its side. Everyone took turns at getting a running start, jumping on the tire and swinging out and over the barrel. When it got to my turn, I got my running start, jumped on the tire, went to straddle the barrel and somehow, MISSED. My foot ran right into the end of the barrel breaking one bone across the top and fracturing another along the side.

Needless to say, I haven’t tried THAT trick anymore but I still love tire swings

Yesterday I talked about memories.

Today it's the LACK of memory that I possess.

Yesterday morning I dropped my son off at school. He went in early for a study session and was staying after school for another study session.

His afternoon study session was to be over at 4pm. I told him it would be about 4:30 before I could pick him up and he said that was fine.

I go to work...do my thing at work...my youngest daughter calls me and asks me to take her to the library when I get home so I say "Fine...be ready when I get there."

I leave work at 4:30...drive the 30 minutes it takes to get home...walk in the house....talk to my daughters for a few minutes when my oldest asks me where my son is.

Of course as soon as she said his name I was freaking out because I had forgot to pick him up from school. Me and my youngest daughter rush out of the house, jump in the truck and haul ass to the school.

The whole time I'm driving down the road, I'm feeling like a complete idiot and kicking myself for all kinds of stupid. I'm repeating over and over..."How do you forget your kid?".

My daughter just laughs at me because I'm more or less talking to myself and giving myself the third degree because I forgot to pick him up.

I knew he was going to be pissed at me for forgetting him and when I finally got to school....1 hour and 15 minutes after his study session ended ....he comes walking out the building huffy puffy.

He jumps in the truck and says, "You forgot me didn't you?"

Talk about feeling like an ass. If I could have crawled under the seat I would have.

I apologized profusely to him but what can you do once the deed is done?

I guess I won't be getting any "Mother of the Year" awards

Those things that sneak up on you at times or maybe they slam into you at other times.

Memories....

That's where my mind has been off and on for a few days now. In between everything else that is going on.

I ran into someone I went to school with and used to hang out with a lot but I didn't realize it was him until AFTER I walked past him and then it was too late. He was gone.

This same person, I run into every few years here and there and we talk for a few minutes asking each other about the families and life in general, then we go on about our business.

The 'hanging out' wouldn't happen today. We've both grown and gone our separate ways but everytime I see him, it brings back a flood of memories and it usually takes me a couple of days to push them out of my mind.

I don't know why this is but it is. They linger there like flipping dust clouds or something. They are not bad memories nor are they great memories. Well, some are pretty good but basically they are just memories.

They take me back to a place where I had a blast at living and not a care in the world. They also remind me that my life could have turned out very differently than it did and most likely not for the better so maybe memories are good things