As a parent, all you really want, is to have your kids grow up healthy, happy and protect them from any harm.
But what happens, when, as a parent, you can't do this. When it's out of your hands.
As some of you know..my oldest daughter has Epilepsy and deals with seizures almost on a everyday basis. She's been on meds for about 7 or 8 months now with no real help from them. She went back to the doctor last month and he, once again, upped her dosage. She's at the max of what he wants to give her and it is not working.
As I was walking down the hall to wake up my son this morning, I passed my daughter's room and glanced in there. She was sitting on the edge of her bed balling her eyes out. I walk in there and ask her what's going on. She proceeds to tell me that she's been seizing since she woke up and it won't stop and she has seized for the past three days (this was news to me). She tells me how she's sick of dealing with it and how unfair it is and how she just gives up and she doesn't want to go to school and how I don't understand. This tirade of emotion came out in between body racking sobs.
As she's telling me all of this..I'm sitting there and my heart is breaking into a million little pieces. I feel each word as if it were stabbed directly into my heart. I feel her pain and anger.
All I can do is sit there and listen to each angry/hurt strike that she put out and feel like a complete failure as a mother because I can't make it better for her. I can't make it go away. I can't make her seizures stop. I can't make her understand it. As much as I want to...there isn't a damn thing I can do to make it any better.
The only thing I can do is to keep doing what I've been doing. Doctors, meds, doctors, meds. It's a never ending circle for now.
Aside from the seizures, she also has, or at least it looks like Psoriasis, (she has an appointment tomorrow for that). She's always had some form of Eczema(sp?) but a few weeks ago she had a major flair up of whatever it is. It was so widespread over her body that the doctor put her on steroids to help with inflammation. He said there was way too wide of an area to try to control it with cream. There wasn't too many places on her that DIDN'T have some form of flair up.
Her skin is another issue she gets upset about. When she had the flair up, she was so angry at everything that goes on with her. She sees it as being so unfair that SHE has to deal with the seizures AND the skin.
I think it is unfair too but I am on the outside looking in. I don't live in her shoes. I don't KNOW what it's like to have seizures daily. I don't KNOW what it's like to have flaky, itchy skin. I only SEE what she deals with. Maybe I don't really understand what she's going through. I don't try to pretend that I do.
I do feel her pain. I do feel her frustration. I do feel her anger. I even agree with the anger at times. I even get angry about it myself. I am human.
I try to tell myself that it could be worse. That there are others out there in this wide world dealing with things that make what she's dealing with seem like a pimple on a frogs ass and I really do know this, but that doesn't stop me from saying "screw everyone else and their problems", this is MY daughter. I want to help HER. I want HER pain to go away. I want HER to be happy.
I wish I could make it all go away. I wish it were me instead of her. I wish...I wish...I wish...
As a parent...you never want to see your child hurting for any reason but when it's a hurt that is way beyond anyone's control, it's even more frustrating. As much as I want to fix it...I can't. This makes me feel so helpless as a mother. I only want my kids to NOT hurt and I can't make this hurt go away for my daughter.
I often wonder how much a heart can take before it really does break into a million pieces.
