I sat down yesterday and wrote in my journal for the first time in a couple of months. I’m not one to keep up with any regular writing in there. When I happen to remember that I have it and feel like writing is when I open it up and put ink to paper.

I bought this journal last year around March, I believe. On the advice of the therapist I was seeing at the time. She suggested that I keep a journal of my feelings and thoughts. I opened up the journal last night and realized that there are only about five entries made in there. Wow…I’ve only had five whole thoughts in over a year. I don’t go back and read them. At least I haven’t yet. I look at the last date of my last entry. I’m not sure why I do that. I guess just so I will know how long it’s been since I’ve written anything.

The entry I made last night was the first one that really expressed my true feelings about some issues. In the past I have skirted around those same issues and not put down onto paper anything that could come back to bite me in the ass. As I do at times here in my blog.

I can always let my anger fly with no problem. I’m not a cold hearted person and I never intend to be cruel but when I am angry, I do not stop to think about whose feelings will be hurt and I don’t stop to think about what I say. I let it fly. I have had to go back and apologize to people for my anger. I do not apologize for the words I say. I generally mean what I say. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t say it. Sometimes I need to apologize for the context that they were said in, if that makes sense.

I skirt around other emotions. Typically because some things run way too deep to bring to the surface and I have a hard time pushing them back down once they do surface. These emotions make me angry at times. I don’t want to walk around being an angry person. It’s not in my makeup to be angry all the time. Life is too short.

When I open up my journal…or decide to blog about stuff that bothers me, most times I am generalizing…just like here….general anger…general emotions…nothing concrete. Nothing specific that relates to ME, even though I am the one that knows where my thoughts are and how much of them to let out for public view. Sometimes I don’t give a rat’s ass but most times..I keep my main emotions in check. I know it’s not good to do so but once they are out, I am forced to face them in a way that I am not ready for or maybe I am and that is what worries me. I know there will be this whole flood of feelings and emotions that will swamp me once it’s all said and done. Am I ready for that? I don’t know.

I don’t even know what the hell this post is really supposed to be about but it turned depressing so I will stop here.

It's been another busy, busy day for me. I haven't even had enough time to hardly put two words together.

I leave you with this song for a fine Friday evening.

I think I'm heading to the river when I get home. I can hear it calling my name

 

 

Hope every one has a great weekend.

Man oh man....I had something I wanted to post today but I have been swamped at work.

Don't they realize they are cutting into my blogging time????

 

It’s funny how sometimes I know exactly what I will be posting about and sometimes it’s almost like there is this tornado of thoughts swirling around in my head and I don’t really have a clue what will come out.

Apparently this is one of those times. This really sucks too because when I get like this, my posts tend to get too long and they tend to jump from subject to subject in the blink of an eye.

I’ve typed up several of these kinds of posts but have not actually posted them due to the fact that they are so very long and tend to be fucking odd in content. I type like I think. Which means my brain jumps from topic to topic with each sentence sometimes and even I have a hard time making sense out of any of it. Only because it comes from me that I know what the hell I’m talking about.

It’s kinda scary to me when I go back and read things like that I have written and there is no common theme to my babble. It makes me wonder if I’m normal. Does anyone else think like this? No wonder I couldn’t pay attention in English class. My mind was too busy tripping over itself with thoughts and boredom.

Like now, I really have no idea why I started typing all this junk. I think I had a couple of different topics in mind to talk about but when my fingers hit the keys, this is the shit that comes out.

This is the ‘safe’ stuff that is in my mind right now. By ‘safe’ I mean…doesn’t make me think too much….doesn’t make my blood pressure skyrocket to the moon….doesn’t really need an answer or decision….it’s just ‘safe’. Everything else that is floating around in my mind is fucking scary. It’s life. It’s the way it is. Stuff needs attention. Things need decisions. People need tending. Shit needs to be done basically and I don’t want to think about it so I’m babbling about nothing. Damn…I am screwed up.

Whatever happened to being a kid. All the decisions were made for you, even if you didn’t like the outcome. Your food was there when you got hungry. Your parents kissed away the hurt. They held you when you were scared. They made you laugh when you were sad. They provided everything you ever needed and some things that you may not have needed but in the end, being a kid was a whole lot fucking easier than being an adult for the most part.

Who said we have to grow up? I would like to have a nice long talk with the higher power that deemed this to be true. I want to make some stupid sign with finger paint and march my silly little ass out there and demand that the rules change.

I don’t want to grow up…I don’t want to BE grown up….I don’t want to make decisions….I don’t want to be responsible….I want to go jump in the mud puddle and only have to worry about whether I’m cold or not….Not worry about the mud clogging up the washing machine…I want to put cards in my bike tire and make that loud ass ticking noise…instead of wondering what THAT ticking noise is in the tire of my truck…….I want to eat whatever I want and not have to worry about that quarter pounder with cheese showing up on my thighs or my belly….I want to go to sleep at night only worrying about passing the test the next day….Not going to sleep worrying about if I’m going to pass the lifetime parenting ‘class’…..I want to play on the beach all day and not worry about what SPF I need to put on and "Oh shit….should I worry about THAT spot on my leg?"……..I want to worry about WHEN my boobs will grow….Not whether ‘something’ will grow ON them……I want to ride in the car and play the license plate game…Not ride in the car trying to remember if I’ve renewed my tags before I hit the road……..I want to bitch about having to cut the grass instead of bitching trying to get it cut…….I want to wake up and watch Saturday morning cartoons then get dressed and go outside to play…….Not wake up and make the grocery list trying to figure out who likes what cereal…..I want to dress myself and not worry whether the shirt matches the pants or if the socks have holes in them……..Not wondering what people think when I go the store in my PJ’s (which I do right often)…Ok on this one I really don’t give a big fat rat’s ass what people think…I’m me…This is how I am…If I offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities because I’m shuffling through the grocery store in my PJ’s then turn your fucking head….I am all about comfort….I want to chew on all the candy I can get and only worry about what piece I will eat next….Not what tooth will that piece of candy will rot…….I want to dance in public (which I do)…and have people think "Oh…how cute"…Not have them think "Oh dear….what’s wrong with her?"…..I want to look up at the clouds and wonder what shape they are…Not wonder when we’ll get rain because we really need it……..I want to climb a tree and not worry about how many bones I could break if I fall……I want to have the carefree thinking of a child…..Not the overworking mind of an adult.

Bottom line…….

 

 

I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys' R Us kid
There's a million toys at Toys 'R Us that I can play with!
From bikes, to trains, to video games,
It's the biggest toy store there is! Gee whiz!
I don't want to grow, cuz baby if I did,
I wouldn't be a Toys 'R Us kid!