Tomorrow we will be off to pay our respects at the funeral of a friend of ours. He died at the age of 48 from a massive stroke. Way too soon to leave this earth.

As I sit here reflecting on a friendship lost. I remember some of the funny times I had with Tom.

Tom worked with my husband for 10+ years and also hung out at our house right often, although in the past couple of years, not as much.

Tom had the smartass attitude that just went well enough with my smartass attitude for us to get along for the most part. We didn’t always see eye to eye but it was no big deal if we didn’t. I guess we knew where the other was coming from.

I have one memory that sticks out more so than others about Tom and it was only couple of weeks ago that we were laughing about it.

From the very first day I met Tom, he was always picking on me by telling me I should dye my hair blonde. His smartass way of telling me that I had made a stupid comment, which I often did. And still do. Guilty as charged on that one.

Anyhow…..Anytime I would say something ‘stupid’, Tom would ask where the hair dye was or if I wanted him to bring a box the next time he came over. It was just one of those things I got used to hearing from him on a regular basis. This went on for YEARS. I took it all in stride. I knew he was only joking. That was just his way.

Well, one day, my husband and Tom had to go get physicals to renew their CDL licenses. While filling out the forms, Tom leaned over and asked my husband what the hell D.O.B. was on the form. Tom didn’t say each letter, as in D-O-B. He thought D.O.B. was a word and said it that way. At first my husband didn’t know what he was talking about until Tom pointed to the word D.O.B. on the form. My husband busted out laughing and told him that D-O-B stands for Date of Birth.

Of course, once I heard what had happened, I gave Tom hell about it every time I saw him. My payback for all the years of the blonde hair dye remarks. His new name every time I saw him was DOB. When I’d see him, I’d say, "Hey DOB, how’s it going?" He’d look at me and say, "fuck you" and laugh.

DOB will always make me laugh. I still get a giggle when I have to fill out a form and see D.O.B. on there. I automatically think of Tom.

Funny how some of the most stupid shit is the stuff that sticks with you.

 

R.I.P.

Marvin T. Adams

 

Today is a funky day for me. I’m not sure why but it’s there. It’s a bit gloomy here in my world. It’s a bit funky here also. I have an angry edge that has been lurking in the shadows for a couple of weeks that I can’t really figure out and there’s an overbearing sense of mindlessness (not sure if that’s the word I’m really looking for but close enough).

We lost power last night due to high winds. Trying to soak up the last few rays of daylight, we hung outside listening to the news regarding the shootings at Virginia Tech. As we listening to the accounts of different witnesses, they played the cell phone coverage of one student who was outside, I believe, during the time of the shootings. Chills ran up my spine and tears ran down my cheeks as I heard each gun shot. After that I stopped listening.

I cannot even begin to imagine the impact that recording would have on me if I had lost a loved one.

Sometimes technology is a bad thing and the news hounds run with what they have before they stop and put themselves in the shoes of the loved ones that may or will be listening at some point. 

Some things, I think, just DO NOT need to be aired for the entire world to hear or see.

This saddens and angers me.

My heart aches for these families and the friends of the ones that lost their lives and my prayers go out to each and every one of them.

I’m sure the shootings has some to do with my mood today but not all of it. It’s been a work in progress, so to speak, with different things have been going on around me.

My oldest daughter being at the top of the list for now.

I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m disappointed and Lord only knows what else is going on under all of those when it comes to her. I’m tired. I’m disgusted with myself for wanting to give up but I can only take so much and the ‘so’ part is just about here. My husband is angry with both her and the boyfriend so I not only deal with my own issues about this whole thing but I get to be the sounding board for him also. Of course, he is my sounding board too so I guess it evens out.

As if my daughter wasn’t enough to stretch every nerve I have, my son runs a close race right on her heels. He was grounded for….hmm…apparently forever, because I can’t really remember. It was at least 2/3 months. His grades were slipping and we had a few calls from the teacher stating that his behavior was not as it should be. He likes to be the class clown which gets him into to trouble, so his ass hasn’t been able to do ANYTHING until he showed improvement, which he has and is now, as of last weekend, a free man again.

He is his father’s son in almost every way. They look alike, act alike and are the best of friends. They do everything together. My son’s passions are hunting, fishing, riding 4-wheelers and playing pool. All of this, he does with his daddy. All of this was taken away for months.

My son had to either sit at home with ‘the girls’ or go wherever ‘the girls’ went. Well, let me tell you, my 15-year-old son HATES panty shopping!!!! So, I tried to take him every chance I got, even if ‘the girls’ didn’t NEED panties.

Cruel and unusual punishment? Maybe….but it worked, along with not being able to hang out with his daddy. Of course, it hurt my husband just as much as it hurt my son by them not being able to hang out together.

The punishment seems to have worked but there is the ‘fear’ (for lack of a better word) that my son will revert back to his clowning ways and his grades will drop again, then we will have to go through months of punishment again. In which, he will moan and groan because he’s bored and there’s “NOTHING to do in this stupid place.”  Which is what I heard the entire time he was grounded.  Somehow, I am the one that caught the backlash of the anger from him about being grounded.  He didn't take his anger out on me but I had to listen to him complain about life not being fair and all the typical shit kids gripe about when they can't do what they want.

My response to him was, "I don't want to hear it!  You brought it on yourself and you can fix it yourself."  It took him about 3 months to figure that out.

Such is life.

My youngest daughter and middle child seems to get lost in the shuffle sometimes. With so much going on with her older sister and her brother, I think she has learned to keep a low profile and stay on neutral ground. Maybe this what the middle child does. I don’t know. I feel bad at times because I feel she gets ‘neglected’. I am trying to rectify this by making more time for her but sometimes it is hard with the other two taking so much of my energy and my thoughts.

I feel like I should be there equally for each one of my kids but I can’t do it and I realize that I can’t do it. Sometimes the harder I try to even it out, the worse it gets.

This makes me feel like a bad mother.

My husband has been bitching about his job for some time now and I have been the sounding board for that also. He’s been with this company for almost 15 years and things are getting to him. He’s moaned and groaned here and there about the job throughout the years, like most people do at some point but the past couple of months has been the worst. I listen, I listen and I listen until I can’t listen any longer then my response is “Fuck it, quit. There are other jobs out there. If you’re not happy with it then go somewhere else. Quit bitching about it. I’m tired of hearing it”

Shouldn’t I be there to support him in whatever he chooses? Shouldn’t I be able to be there for him when he needs to vent? Shouldn’t I hug him and tell him everything will be ok?

To me the answer is YES to all of those questions but damn…..I’m tired. I lose my patience with him when he continues to gripe about something that can be changed. I try and try to be there for him but sometimes I just can’t. I don’t want to be.

This makes me feel like a bad wife.

I don’t see my mom as often as I should. It’s not like she lives a million miles away. She’s about 30 minutes from me. A hop skip and a jump basically. Why can’t I bring myself to go visit her more often? Because I don’t like sitting at her house, that’s why. She’s too critical sometimes and it drives me nuts. I have to constantly bite my tongue around her so I won’t cause her to cry. Damn the easy hurt feelings she has and the ones she gave to me through her genes. She means well and she’s very opinionated but she’s not always right, even when she thinks she is. I tend to walk away from a visit with her with a major attitude. Even though I love her, sometimes it’s hard to love her. If I was rude and not brought up with manners, I would tell her to “fuck off”, just once but she is my mother and I won’t do that out of respect for her, although, there are many times when that’s exactly what I want to say.

This makes me feel like a bad daughter.

So this is where I am now. I feel like a bad mother, wife, and daughter.

Sometimes my shoulders get tired with the weight that is put on them and I can’t carry the load anymore. Sometimes I don’t want to be the wife. Sometimes I don’t want to be the mother. Sometimes I don’t want to be the daughter. Hell, sometimes I don’t even want to be me. I just want to tell ‘em all to kiss my ass and leave. Sometimes I want to be anywhere but where I am.