This was sent to me in an email.  I hope for this idiots sake that this really didn't happen

 

 

ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. 

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.  The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. 

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.  The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.  I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing!  I was disappointed.  I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.  The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....  I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.  I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. 

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A------ that hurt like he--!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

How did they up get there???  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I'm still looking for my testicles?  I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Tommy

There was a time when I didn’t FEEL anything.

No love, no hate, no sadness, no happiness, notta. Zip. Nothing. No feelings what so ever. I just existed.

I would function perfectly normal. Doing the day to day things that needed to be done.  Wake up, get dressed, get the kids off to school, drive to work, work my 8 hours, drive home, cook supper, do a few things around the house, maybe watch a little TV then go to bed only to get up and do it again the very same way the next day.

Things that I normally had strong feelings about got NOTHING from me. No response at all. My kids could’ve gotten away with ANYTHING during this time and I wouldn’t have done shit about it. Turned a blind eye so to speak.

Me, normally being the type to wear my emotions on my sleeves, had nothing. I couldn’t cry. Laughing was like a foreign language to me. I couldn’t drum up any sympathy for anyone. I couldn't feel pain.  Physical pain yes, but emotional pain was non-existant for me.  I couldn’t even get angry, which I’ve ALWAYS been able to do. Stuff just didn’t GET to me. I felt NOTHING at all inside. I had NO emotions.

I functioned in a world of numbness and fog.

It’s really fucked up to walk around aware of everything that goes on around you but at the same time really aware of NOTHING.  Or at least the nothing that makes you FEEL.

It was one of the strangest things I’ve ever experienced. And not an experience I ever want to go through again.

 

 

All of this took place while I was on meds for depression. BEFORE the meds, I could FEEL. I FELT the anger, I FELT the sadness, I FELT the happiness, and I FELT every other emotion that I was going through. They weren’t always pleasant but at least I FELT them. I wasn’t just walking around in a shell of my own nothingness.

After walking around dazed for months, letting EVERYTHING roll off my back, feeling NOTHING, I finally said fuck it. Actually, hubby pulled me aside and suggested that I go OFF of the meds (when he was the one to suggest I go ON them to begin with). It was the one of the best things that I could have done.

I didn’t even consider trying different kind of medication. Fuck that. I figured I would deal with the things that bother me in a different way and if that didn’t work then I would go back to square one and start over with the meds if worse came to worse.

This was about 4 years ago and I’ve not been back on any meds since. Not saying I shouldn’t. There are times when I could use a good dose of something to even me out but as long as the people around me can deal with me and I can be comfortable in my own skin with who I am then so be it.

I need to FEEL!!  Even when those feelings don't feel all that great.

 

 

 

 

Over the weekend, my husband flipped a 4-wheeler he was riding. Not OURS but some guy’s that he hunts with. This is the same 4-wheeler that hubby just so happens to want to buy. Some sort of racing 4-wheeler.

When it comes to anything that is made for dirt, hubby doesn’t have much sense. Never has and I’m guessing he never will if he hasn’t learned at this stage in life

He wasn’t wearing a helmet when this happened. Which irritates the living hell out of me. We, as in HIM and I, are always, ALWAYS preaching to our kids about wearing a helmet any time they ride. What makes him any different?

He’s lucky that the only thing he hurt was his arm. He had to go yesterday, to the ER and have it checked out. X-ray’s confirm a broken right elbow but they have referred him to another doctor for further evaluation. Aside from the arm, he has a few minor scrapes, no bruises but EXTREMELY sore. Every day he seems to feel more and more sore spots.

As we were coming home from the hospital yesterday he’s reviewing all the bones he’s broken from riding. Which happens to be almost every bone above the waist.

Following that rundown the following conversation took place:

Him: “Maybe Santa will bring one of those for me next Christmas” (meaning the type of 4-wheeler that he wrecked)

Me: “I highly doubt it”

Him: “Why”

Me: “Because you’ll kill yourself”

Him: “What makes you think that?”

Me: “Oh, I don’t know. Take a look at your arm and all the other bones you’ve broken. You’ve just been lucky”

Him: Laughs and says “Good point”

Me: “Yeah, I know”

Him: “Maybe he will still bring me one though”

I just look at him and roll my eyes.

Men!!!!

*In Oblong, Illinois, it’s punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day

(Now there's a dream sexual encounter)

 

 

*No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minn. if his wife so requests, law so mandates that he brush his teeth

(I thought this was a HUMAN law)

 

 

*Bozeman, Mont. has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown—if they’re nude

(Does this mean as long as they aren’t NUDE, then the law doesn’t apply? What if it’s BEFORE sundown? What if they’re on the porch? Is the porch considered part of the FRONT yard? What if they’re getting in on in BACK yard? What if it’s not members of the opposite sex?….This law is not very well defined)

 

 

*In hotels in Sioux, S.D., every room is required to have twin beds. The beds must always be a minimum of 2 feet apart when a couple rents a room for one night. It’s illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.

(Aside for the fact that 2 feet isn’t that much space to be having a healthy dose of lovemaking…Who the hell wants to have sex on the FLOOR of the hotel room? I’m sure that is worse than the bed but then again…maybe not)

 

 

*In Hastings, Neb., no couple, even if they are married, are allowed to sleep together in the nude

(Who enforces this law? Do they post deputies outside of everyone's windows at night to make sure the law is upheld?)

 

 

*An antique law in Norfolk, VA says a woman can’t go without wearing a corset

 But on the other hand….

*In Merryville, MO., women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male

(Well who am I to deny the normal, red-blooded American male?)

 (Uncorseted in all it’s glory)

(They may want to rethink THAT law)

 

 

*Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, police aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on a car window. Any office who suspects that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately 2 minutes before getting out of his car to investigate

(Who says the law doesn’t have a little respect? If he’d show up with a beer and a cigarette he might even get a promotion)

 

 

*Another law in Helena, Mont., mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has at least 3 pounds, 2 ounces of clothing on

(I’m guessing this chickypoo would be breaking the law.)

(No. Wait.  I do believe her BOOTS pass the required weight)

 

 

*Lovers in Liberty Comer, NJ should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, they can face a jail term

(HELLOOOOOO......there is a BACKSEAT people. No horn back there)

 

 

 

 

*If you’re a single, divorced or widowed woman, you can’t parachute on Sunday afternoons in Florida.

(That’s because all the married ladies have reserved the "holy" chutes...duh!!!)

 

 

*Women aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, OH because he might see something "he oughtn’t"

(or maybe it’s to protect the ladies from seeing something "she oughtn’t")

 

 

*In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act

(Does the mother score the act? 7 for technique, 10 for difficulty, 6 for presentation?)

 

 

*The penalty for pleasuring oneself in Indonesia is decapitation

(This might be preferable to a bad score from the mother or mother-in-law but wouldn’t it be just as wise not to spread your business about the streets of Indonesia if that is the said punishment. Really. Who goes around on the streets or in public places after a good round of self-pleasuring saying "Hey guess what I just did?")

 

 

*In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally permitted to kill her husband but may do so only with her bare hands. She may kill her husband’s lover, on the other hand, in any manner she desires.

(There are some laws that the US should adopt)

 

 

*The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, DC is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is illegal.

(I knew there was something about Capitol Hill that just didn’t interest me)

 

 

*In the state of Washington, it is illegal to have sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding)

(Ok. How does the state of Washington stay populated?)