I was going to post a follow up on Thanksgiving at my house but now I am just too pissed to do a happy post.
There are only 3 people that can piss me off in 5 seconds flat. That would be my mom, my husband and my oldest daughter.
My husband gets the blue ribbon for the weekend.
Let me digress a little here.
In order to be fair to hubby, I need to go back about almost two years.
I was spending a lot of time online and eventually formed a PLATONIC friendship with someone I had met in a chat room. This friendship even went as far as phone calls to one another but nothing more. I also had a ‘not-so-innocent’ thing going on with someone else at the same time. Although; neither relationship went beyond any physical boundaries. Not that it makes any difference in the eyes of my husband. Guilt is guilt. I understand that. I didn’t realize how much I was ‘involved’ with these two people at the time. I know that sounds really fucking stupid but that’s how it was. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. Anyway, eventually hubby found out about both and shit hit the fan to say the least. The computer went out the back door, my phone went under the truck tire and we fought terribly and I kept apologizing over and over. Nothing I could say or do would change the events that took place.
There was mistrust, hurt pride, hurt feelings, plenty of guilt (on my part), and a lot of things said from both of us that probably shouldn’t have been said in the midst of anger. It was HARD on us! It was HARD on our kids!
We went through counseling for almost a year (not because of the internet but that chain of events brought some other things to light about our marriage). Learned some things about ourselves (I did anyway) and learned things about one another that we didn’t know. Even after 20 years of being together. Amazing what they can drag out of a person.
Anyway, after many, many months of apologizing, begging (which I HATE), pleading (which I HATE), reassuring (which I MEANT), kissing ass (which I HATE), telling hubby how much I FUCKED up (because I REALLY did) and counseling (which I wasn’t too fond of either), we finally got a computer back in the house last Christmas. Of course, this was "against his better judgement".
Ok…more or less back to the present.
In March, I told him about starting a blog. He didn’t really know what one was so I explained. He still didn’t quite get the concept. Actually he thought it was a stupid thing to do but that’s beside the point. He didn’t want me doing this because he thought it would lead to other things (i.e. like the past). I guess old fears don’t go away that easy. Can’t say I really blame him for that.
I was determined to do this even though he really didn’t want me to. I went into this with NO secrets. I told him about it upfront. He knows I blog. He knows this blog exists. He knows I go into the chatroom at times (doesn’t like it much but he knows). He reads this on occasion. I don’t put anything in here that I wouldn’t say directly to him. I’m not a talk behind your back type of person. This is where I vent. Whatever it may be. Happiness, sadness, silliness, anger, etc. My moods are generally reflected here.
Out of respect for him and his wishes. I do not tend to blog or go online period when he is at home. Although, I have on a few occasions. He has asked me not to because it makes him feel like I’m ignoring him. I can live with that even though I don’t quite agree with it. So I go online when he ISN’T home.
This is where I have the problem.
I can’t go online when he is home because I’m nice and respect what he has asked of me but when I do go online when he ISN’T home, I catch shit about being online.
He says I spend more time online during hunting season. Well, I do. He isn’t home as much during hunting season and I’m typically awake ‘til wee hours of the morning when he isn’t home so I go online. This is more or less what he has asked me to do. Go online when he’s NOT home. I DO NOT do ANYTHING wrong during my time online other than cuss my computer for being so damn slow when I’m trying to blog and maybe drink a few too many beers. Ok…I do say some shit that maybe shouldn’t be said but this is me. This is me either online or off. This should be no surprise to him.
We had two arguments over the weekend about the fucking computer. Yes, I was on it for a while Friday night (he was home btw, playing pool). Nothing to hide there. He thinks because I went in the house and got on the computer, I was up to something. I was in the house for almost an hour before I decided to get on so it wasn’t like I went in the house and jumped on the computer as soon as my feet were in the door. Even if I did what the fuck is the big deal. Does he really think I’m gonna do something devious while everyone is in the house. I wouldn’t do that to start with and I’m not that fucking stupid.
He left early Saturday morning to go hunting and called me to ream my ass for being online the night before. No. 1- Yes, I was on and NO I didn’t do anything fucking wrong and No. 2- You woke me up for this shit? I was pissed. I HATE having to defend myself over nothing and I HATE being treated like a fucking criminal in some respects and on top of all that shit…he had to wake me up to tell me so. I was one VERY UNHAPPY camper on the phone Saturday morning.
I was off yesterday so I spent about an hour blogging yesterday morning then set off to clean my house from the holidays. Hubby had called in the morning to ask me to check his bank account when I got a chance (online might I add). Anyway, after I got everything done, quite a few hours later, I got back on the computer. Hubby calls while I’m on and asks me why didn’t I check his account for him. I’m explaining that is what I was trying to do. He tells me he wanted to know before lunchtime. Well how the hell am I supposed to know if you don’t tell me that you want to know before a certain time? He told me "when I had a chance" and the afternoon was the first chance I had since I had talked to him that morning.
He was pissed. He didn’t say as much but I knew. I could feel it vibrating through the phone like a fucking freight train. He was pissed because I was online, not that I hadn’t checked his account. My question: HOW THE FUCK CAN I CHECK YOUR ACCOUNT ONLINE IF I DON’T FUCKING GET ONLINE????? Not much was said between us last night. I was pissed because I’m tired of feeling like I need to defend myself every fucking time I turn the computer on. I’m tired of feeling guilty over doing NOTHING. I’m tired of arguing over a fucking computer. I’m tired. I’m just fucking tired.
I know I brought this all on with my own actions and I was very, very guilty of hurting him and betraying him on some level…hell, maybe even a few different levels. Maybe I deserve everything I am getting and maybe I’m asking too much from him but damn…That was almost two years ago. Is there not such a thing as let it go??? How many ways and times do I have to repent and do penance? Will I have to listen to shit from now until dooms day? Will it ever end? Will there ever be peace?
I know he still has reservations and I guess he has every right to but I think it’s unfair of him to ask me to NOT do something I enjoy doing just because he’s insecure about it. To me, that’s something he needs to work on without me catering to his every whim or not doing something because he doesn’t like it. Fuck That!! Call me a bitch or whatever ya want but there it is. I don’t ask him to stop hunting because I don’t like it, because it takes time away from me and the girls, it costs TONS of money or any of the other reasons I could throw in his face to prove a point. That’s not me. It’s his hobby. It’s what he enjoys. Why can’t I have the same respect? That’s all I want. Some peace and fucking quiet to do what I want to do!
!!!
